Wisdom from a hospital bed

Evening pages from the Chu Dumont hospital, as I take in the deepest breathe since a very long time.

I guess life would not have it any other way for me.

To be scared, shaken, forced into healing all on my own.

Faced with so much to accept and vulnerably surrender to.

With so many new decisions to make and not take lightly.

Here I am.

I can feel the unavoidable shift, this unexplainable sickness that actually makes so much sense.

The wisdom, the growth and the path of change that cannot be reversed or avoided.

I am writing these words as I walk away from the old me, into this brand new soul space, this blank canvas.

I have no other choice now. Changes, flowing with the tide, crashing with the waves, there is no other option.

Slowly, I have been crying tears, shedding, releasing and making peace with this uncertainty.

What always was, what I had been resisting, fearing and in denial of admitting.

It's terrifying building the life we really want.

Going off the path that other's have so often lead us to believe in as the only way.

Learning to trust in a world where we can just be ourselves fully and have the freedom to reside in the joy of being.

The nourishment that comes from following the heart that I had been depriving myself from for so long.

I have been called to trust in the unknown, to let spirit take the wheel and lead me to a more healthy future.

I am blessed with support and love, I am being disciplined to learn through pain and hardship.

I am on that first step to the stairs that are taking me higher.

To the place where I have been longing to be.

To the dreams I have secretly desired to reach.

Silence no longer serves me.

It is time.

I am ready.

I never knew that this clarity would come to me this way.

In a hospital bed, counting my blessings for this second chance.

I had to take the biggest hit of my life to see the brighter journey.

I thought I was on it, I thought I was arriving.

But it was ending, and now it starts again a fresh.

It's a gift of pain, a gift forcing massive change and courage.

I read so many books, I lean into so many podcast and souls that openly share their light.

The signs have been there all along but I had been too stubborn to listen.

Life was moving too fast, I was lost in the hustle, the grind, the race.

But this was never true to my being or that light that continues to shine inside me.

I can transition, now, I can let go of the past and bravely step into my presence.

This is when life gets to become even more resilient and this is where I become even stronger.

I've longed and prayed for this, I just didn't know it would look this way and hurt so much.

The rebirth, the born again moment.

It was never promised to me that it would be easy.

I am making peace with the discomfort of it all.

With the fact that it's so damn hard but so very necessary.

It's all that is now and I am grabbing on to every single life jacket that floats me to my saviour.

I am afraid, but that is but the left over residues from the old patterns of my mind and old self.

I am observing this fear as the watcher, the warrior and I am letting go.

The past doesn't belong here anymore, the fears don't make sense with the pages of this moment.

This brand new story, that is writing itself with ease and comfort in such a warm energy of safety.

I am grateful to feel my heart smiling as I allow this steady flow, as I let go of the pressures and open to oneness.

This is my freedom, my birthright.

Joy had been locked away, while I was chasing the wrong goals with the wrong people in all the wrong places.

I'm not confused anymore, I don't feel stuck. I don't feel hopeless.

My angels have surrounded me to show me they exist.

My support team is ready with me, all hearts on deck.

It's such a liberating feeling to be here and to feel real.

To not have to pretend anymore, to know that a real break has been granted to me and just for me.

I get to trust in God's desire for me, and it is so good, so earned.

Why did I ever think I had to push myself so hard and sacrifice so much?

I had not yet learned the lesson.

In only 3 days I have risen up to heights I never knew could exist, to courage I never knew I had within me.

To people in my life that love me so and surround me.

All of their prayers, all of their love.

I am lifted here and now.

Spirit is writing through me.

The most challenging time of my life is the gift that I am most grateful for.

I embrace the shift, I appreciate the space I've been gifted.

This time I waiting for so long to belong in.

I am brand new, I am fresh to create.